Christians are not Perfect, nor do we pretend to be.

I once googled a church to go to.  I contacted the Pastor.  His name was Bob.  I said, "I want to come and visit your church but I don't know if I am really the right fit.  I'm really broken.  I am saved but I feel lost.  You probably don't want me there.   I cuss a little.  Well, maybe more like a trucker.  I have tattoo's.  I don't own a dress.  I hurt on the inside a lot and just don't tell people.  My husband can't come and that's a long story.".  Pastor Bob said, "Well, we prefer honest people and we don't wear mask, so I think you'd be a good fit. I'll tell you something, I have a tattoo and I'll be wearing Jeans."   Well,  I'll come.  But I still don't think I'll be  a good fit.  I am angry at a lot of things.  But I think my boys need to be there.

That was over 2 years ago.  I walked in and I knew this place was different.  I knew I didn't have to keep secrets anymore.  I knew I had a place where I didn't have to hide words like Mental illness.  I knew I didn't have to hid the fact I was angry over being a secret caregiver and feeling no one cared except for the one person in this whole world I could turn to, my sister.  I had people I could confide in without judgement.  I could tell them some days I hate life.  Some days I want to cry.  Some days I want to scream, Some days I just want answers.   Some days I am sick of hearing med changes.  Some days I am sick of making people in life  laugh and making it seems like life is ok when my life is not ok.  I am scared of what will happen to him if the medicines stop working.

His illness has brought me massive anxiety.  Depression.  The inability to handle other outside changes that come too quick at once when I am dealing with his.   This is where my faith in God has come into play.  It has literally saved my life.   So when people question it, make fun of it or go on rants that literally tear me to shreds telling me what a joke I am for being a Christian, I have to sit back and think, "Man, you have to clue."  This has what has kept me alive.   It's not a church building.  It is a personal relationship with God that I know I can turn to.  As I get ripped to shreds by someone that has no clue about me I often wonder have they ever had a one on one experience with God because if they had, how could they rip someone so harshly.  I especially wonder when they say, "you act so different in front of your church people" yet, they have not once seen me interact in the church, heard me speak in front of the church nor have they seen me in my outreach group.  Because what they would fine is the same me that they know.  Sure, I cuss less now.  And maybe I don't cuss when I am praying.  I don't get as angry.  I still get angry.  I still get hurt.  I still cry.  I still don't understand.  I still feel feelings.  We are still human.  I just try harder to reach people who I think have been through what I have been through and think I can help them.   I am still and always will be a sinner.  We all are.   We just work harder at talking to God and figuring out why we let people like that get to us.  By the way,  my husband is doing better at this point than he has in some time and has been taken off a lot of horrible medications that changed who he was.  I could not be more proud.  Please pray for our marriage as it all has taken a toll on our marriage.

My God is so merciful.  More merciful than I ever deserve.   But that is just it.  He is merciful.  It's it up to him, Not any hate spewing man who just wants to hurt me and scar me and try to hurt me a bout being a Christian.  You don't get that choice.  I've blocked your hate.  Your words mean nothing because in the end, only Jesus Christ Promises matter.